Has a ‘Crazy Maker’ Crossed Your Boundaries?

I’m off to grand old ‘Ally Pally’ (Alexandra Palace in London) tomorrow to teach a workshop at The Mind Body Soul Experience about Boundaries. So, as you can imagine that topic is consuming my brain today.

This is an issue that from time to time affects a great many of us. Try as we might, we can’t help being challenged by a strange vibe at work, busy crowds or feeling invaded & exhausted by an overly demanding friend, lover or family member.

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It’s a subject I feel I know about from the inside out, due to my own history (read my article here in Soul & Spirit magazine if you like) & it’s something that comes up again & again for my clients. In the last few months my sessions have involved dealing with the effects of bad bosses, the legacies of extremely tricky ex boyfriends & toxic parents.

For tips on how to stop merging your boundaries & how to healthily separate energetically, check out this blog.

The truth is that boundaries can get ever so confusing when you’re dealing with difficult personality types.

I think boundaries are two fold. They are about negotiating where your line is-where you need space, and where you won’t tolerate certain behaviour from another. They’re learning how to kindly or assertively say, ‘No’ without excessive guilt. But, I believe they’re also about healthily negotiating your needs.

We all have our subconscious issues & accidentally sometimes communicate these to others—which is where boundaries can get murky.

However there are those people that are the MOST difficult to handle for our boundaries. I’m going to use a term coined by Julia Cameron, author of ‘The Artist’s Way’ & call them the ‘Crazy Makers.’

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Do You Know A Crazy Maker?

You could say that these folk are the least aware of their subconscious patterns & whilst there are many definitions & personality types (such as narcissistic personality disorder) that can account for them, there are 6 key features you’ll probably spot:

1) Lack of empathy. These people struggle to understand another’s point of view & put themselves in other’s shoes.

2) They blame you. Therefore when you express a reasonable need or object to the crossing of a boundary, they blame you, telling you that there’s something wrong with you or judge you harshly.

3) They over react. If you assert a boundary in any way, they may over react, take things very personally & try to subtly emotionally manipulate you (which can be hard to spot) or at the worst, become an out right bully.

4) They have good qualities. They may be powerful, charismatic, good looking & talented or just seem nice at first. This is even more confusing because the difficult behaviour often comes out slowly over time & may not seem consistent.

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5) They are always right (& better than you). They can’t bare to be in the wrong, rarely apologise and want to come out as top dog.

6) They are the victim. They belief they are always the poor injured party & possibly that life is constantly cruel to them (which is never their fault or responsibility).

A ‘crazy maker’ will call you crazy & may slowly convince you that you are (otherwise known as gas lighting)! But, some of the behaviour can be so subtle, you can’t quite put your finger on it. You’ll notice it though in how you feel– over time you realise you feel drained, anxious to meet their demands or lower self confidence from their criticisms or neglect.

How can you deal with a ‘crazy maker’?

If you can, get away! If you’ve tried reasoning with them & depending upon the degree to which they are affecting your life, this is often the most sensible solution.

However, if you can’t quite be free of them, how can you limit contact? Or spend as little time with them as possible? Keep it civil  & as painful as it may be, limit your expectations of what you may receive from them (look for it elsewhere in life).

If you do have to be around a ‘crazy maker’ (they’re called this for a reason) look after yourself.

And if you grew up with one or had a longterm relationship with one, you may need some support (psychotherapy, counselling or coaching) to undo the negative effects & learn how to trust reasonable people again.

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The truth is that many ‘crazy makers’ grew up in difficult environments or inherited particular genes—some are capable of change & in important relationships, it’s always worth attempting better communication. Will they come to therapy with you, will they meet you half way?

Many of these people struggle with low self esteem & even self hatred behind the facade—they are desperately trying to protect what feels like a vulnerable self that they feel could crumble. They must feel better then you, higher on the hierarchy to survive, they feel.

Nevertheless, boundaries are your right & healthy for all humans. I’ve seen so much suffering, illness & talents hidden because of the unreasonable demands, harsh words & emotional neglect of a parent (even though you might be grown up now) or because of a past or current ‘crazy maker.’

It’s time to look after yourself. You have a right to healthy boundaries & it is these that will set you free, allow you to fulfil your purpose & to give love-both to yourself & to those in your life that deserve lots of it.

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Be bold— get clear on your boundaries & become the person you can be without any crazy making behaviour dimming your light & life.

My Terror of Public Speaking

When I was a teenager, I used to be so shy that I’d mark what I said out of 10. Mostly, I felt that what I said only deserved a 1 or 2, so I kept quiet.

Of course, I spoke to my friends one to one but talking in a group or in class made me want to crawl into a hole.

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Skip forward over 20 years & I can see how I’ve been working hard to dig myself out of that hole. Through years of improvised comedy & theatre performances, I gradually learnt 3 things about being in front of people:

1) Despite how it feels I won’t actually die on stage (no matter what happens).

2) If I panic whilst I’m there, I can pause, breathe & find my way again.

3) It’s OK to own how I’m feeling, laugh off a mistake—the audience are happy for you to be human, like them.

Oh and 4) There’s a part of me that actually really enjoys it.

So not so long ago, I find myself standing on the stage in a pub with a microphone talking about the healing power of creativity & then 2 weeks after that, in a packed classroom with attendees waiting expectantly.

I’m a sensitive person, so no matter how much better this gets, there’s a part of me that’s just overwhelmed by the situation (my nervous system feels a little taxed) but I inwardly remind myself….1) This won’t kill me….I begin speaking, introducing myself & my story… time seems to expand & contract, I can feel that I’m not quite present, it’s like I’m slightly outside of my body….

So, point 2 comes into play. I breathe, pause & bring myself back. I start to enjoy myself a little more—I feel braver. I look at the audience’s faces more.

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There’s no projector here for the quotes I’ve brought along. I have to fumble around (or it feels like that) for the pieces of card I’ve got instead. I remember point 3 & acknowledge that to the audience. Nobody minds. I see a woman nod & smile encouragingly at me as I continue.

Then suddenly, I’m down to my last bullet point, my concluding thoughts. Just before the applause, I realise, point 4 is true, I enjoyed that. There’s something about being vulnerable & sharing your thoughts, your story, your teachings that makes me feel alive & connected with my fellow humans.

It was a lovely night for that at the pub, artists sharing their emotional trials & creative outpourings (organised by a lovely friend for a great charity).

Later I watched the video back (which I had to force myself to do, who likes seeing themselves on video?) & to my surprise, you can’t see my inner journey.

You see a relatively confident woman (& that’s got stronger since—I delivered 3 workshops last week).

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You can watch it here too, if you like.

It’s that old chestnut—it looks so much easier from the outside or you believe that someone else is doing something that you couldn’t—especially when it comes to public speaking.

Public speaking is often listed as our number 1 fear.

And some of my other fears had held me back from doing much of it for my coaching work for a few years—some were the obvious fears but some took a little bit of work & were more subtle.

Who am I to think I’ve got something to say? “Don’t be a show off”…there was also a feeling of danger & resistance (maybe we have this in our DNA or past lives as women)…

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So, where do you need to be bolder despite your fears?

This week, I’ve loved supporting my coaching clients to be braver in so many ways—to confront difficult bosses, deal with ignored relationship issues, leave a job to go travelling, acknowledge some true needs & so much more. And as a result I’ve seen their confidence & self trust build.

Our comfort zones grow gradually  in the ways that we personally need. This is rarely without fear but rather embracing the next little chunk of it that you’re ready for.

It doesn’t need to take 20 years either!

So, I salute your fear, your courage & doing your ‘thing’ one small (or large) step at a time.

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Ask Yourself These 3 Questions To Find Your Purpose

Ask Yourself

“You have a purpose.

You were born for a reason…

Your life purpose defines you. It helps you know who you truly are.

For most of us there is a gap between the life we are leading and who we truly are…

The bigger the gap, the greater the stress.” Action For Happiness (Neil Crofts)
There are many reasons that people seek to work with a life coach but one of the biggest is not feeling that they know the answer to this question, ‘What is my purpose?’

Some people are happy to coast along in a career that just pays the bills but so many of us want & need a sense of meaning. When we don’t have that, we can feel lost, depressed, stressed & ask ourselves, “What’s the point?”

So, here are my 3 questions to help you clarify your own sense of purpose….

You can continue reading this article where it is published on the Life Coaching Directory. Enjoy!

Why Can’t I Settle? The 3 Reasons why you can’t.

Time & time again, I have coaching clients (& a few friends) say to me, “Other people just seem to settle in life, why I can’t I?” …like they are purposely causing themselves trouble for wanting something more out of their life then they have right now. Like ‘settling’ is always a good thing.

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I know when we grow up (when does that happen? I’m still waiting for it) we are supposed to ‘settle down’—whatever that means. I guess it means that you get the spouse, get the house, get the life long job and 2.4 children…then you all live happily ever after waxing your shiny car on the weekends looking ever so smug.

They see others sticking with a job that’s just ‘ok’ (or worse), with a partner who they get along with ‘ok’—with friendships that are a duty, with hobbies they do out of habit. We assume that these people are fine, that they have some kind of settling super power, that if only we had, we wouldn’t be so damn bothersome (mostly to ourselves).

Of course, you never really know what’s going on in someone else’s life anyway (they might actually love the job that we’d hate or they might be screaming on the inside) and mostly we use comparisons to bash ourselves.

Question: Why would anyone be jealous of anyone’s ability to settle anyway?

Answer: Because change feels like a scary business.

The path of least resistance, seeming security and quite honestly, not having to face the potential pain of doing the brave thing, looks pretty appealing when you’re considering making a change in your life.

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But settling probably isn’t an option for you, here are 3 Reasons why:
1) You know that Life is Short. Something in your life has taught you this. This is how I got one of my biggest lessons about it…

I’m going to tell you a sad story. I’ve resisted writing about it before because I thought maybe it was just too sad….but here goes.

Back when I was in my mid twenties and going through a tricky time myself with my own ‘settling’ (unfulfilling job, a difficult relationship—general confusion about life) I had a lovely manager at my job at the council. She wasn’t always good at being a manager (organisation wasn’t her strong suit) but I liked her a lot. Her name was Ann, she was always well dressed with sparkling blue eyes & a kind heart. She was in her mid fifties and a mother of 2 grown up daughters.

She told me that despite her boredom, she was sticking her job out at the council waiting for her full pension. Then a terrible day came.

I was there she found the lump in her breast. I was there when she got her diagnosis. I was there when she began her chemo. I was also gratefully there when she came back to work having been given the all clear.

That’s it, she’d decided-life was too short. She was going to live her dream of opening a little florist shop. She’d been practising her skills for years & wanted to spend her days making people smile with flowers. I encouraged her.

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Then she met her first big obstacle. Her husband. The idea scared him too much, according to everyone who knew him, he was a bully. He wanted her to stick out her job for that pension.

She submitted and shelved the dream. She went back to boredom and caring for everyone else above herself.

At this point, my own healing crisis kicked in and I left my council job.

But I heard about it, I cried when I did. All these years later, I can’t help shedding a tear at the thought.

Ann’s cancer came back aggressively shortly after. She died a few months later. This lovely, kind woman was gone.

Of course, no one can ever know if she’d stuck to her guns and opened her little florist shop whether she might have made it. If she’d ditched the bully of a husband and stretched her own wings….

We’ll never know.

But I wonder.

In death though, she left a great gift. A gift, I’ve never forgotten. I’m forever grateful for it.

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A gift about life.

 

Rapper Prince Ea put it rather well in his video, “Everybody Dies, But Not Everybody Lives.” Watch it here.

“Struggle and criticisms are prerequisites for greatness. That is the law of this universe and no one escapes it. Because pain is life but you can choose what type? Either the pain on the road to success or the pain of being haunted with regret.

You want my advice. Don’t think twice.

We have been given a gift that we call life.

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So don’t blow it. You’re not defined by your past instead you were born anew in each moment. So own it now.
SO OWN IT NOW
Sometimes you’ve got to leap. And grow your wings on the way down.”

 

2) You are most probably a Highly Sensitive Person.

If you haven’t already taken the test to see if you’re in the HSP gang, you can do so here.

As HSPs we like to think about things deeply, we love to educate ourselves and often share our wisdom in advisory roles such as teachers & therapists. Our creative output often explores what our world is about (you writers, singers, actors & artists). Many of us won’t feel satisfied unless bringing some aspect of our caring & philosophical nature to our work.

So, it makes sense that what we do, who we love, how we live all matter equally deeply to us.

We might feel called to do something, give something, be something and other work with too little thought, too little care, too little creativity will just feel dull. We’ll begin to wonder about the point of our lives.

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Author of ‘The Highly Sensitive Person’, Elaine N.Aron says,

“ Following the thinking of Carl Jung, I see each life as an individuation process, one of discovering the particular question you were put on Earth to answer…But the question is not easy, or it would not take a lifetime. What matters is that working through it deeply satisfies the soul.”

3) You need to Satisfy your Soul.

“Live your Soul, Not a Role” (Sonia Choquette)

Let’s get spiritual about this. Whether you identify with the term, ‘lightworker’ (a soul come to support the raising of vibration on Earth) or you feel a deep connection to the planet or humanity-it’s spiritual for you. It probably feels like you made a soul choice to be here right now, learning some lessons and giving back what you’ve learnt, changing things here for the better.

I believe that’s true.

So of course, you can’t just settle. You’ve got your work cut out. You’ve got your own personal torch to shine.

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What we often forget is that you’re giving so much just by going through those painful lessons, by naturally shining your light and being alive! But of course, that’s not going to feel enough. You’re on a mission, you feel it, you know it and you know you’ll never feel satisfied with a life half lived.

When settling is ok….

Sometimes it’s ok to settle for a while, sometimes compromise is the order of the day—there’s a timing to things and finding your way through step by step. But you’ll always know when you’ve settled for too long.

How?

It feels icky. Things feel stuck.

And then, it’s time to listen to the wisest person around.

I’d like to say that’s me!!

Of course, it’s the person reading this.

8So, don’t judge yourself for wanting to face things and give yourself the chance to flourish, for not being able to settle—for always striving to grow, expand and spread your wings. That’s what this game called life is all about.

Are YOU a Highly Sensitive Person?

I first read Elaine N. Aron’s book The Highly Sensitive Person 10 years ago. I remember it struck a cord at the time- a big one. But then I forgot about it until a good friend reminded me about it recently. So, I dusted it off & dipped in.

Oh my gosh, I realised how relevant it is to my life, to many of my friend’s lives, to practically all of my client’s lives. It makes sense of the wonder, the struggle-the mystery and the magic of my existence and quite probably yours.

There’s no definitive test but it’s likely that if you answer YES to most of these 10 questions you’re in the gang!

Do you feel overwhelmed by strong or too much sensory input? e.g crowds, long days in a busy office or very violent/horror movies?

Do you notice & often appreciate the subtleties in life such as sounds, tastes or beauty? Do you love the arts, creativity & nature as a result?

Do you notice an atmosphere in a room & do other people’s moods (or how you feel they might be judging you) affect you?

Have you have been described as perspective or intuitive?

Do you need some time out/time alone to re-balance if things get busy? Your nervous system can feel frazzled if you don’t take this.

Do you have a rich, complex inner life (maybe a connection with nature &/or spirituality)? You might enjoy having thoughtful, meaningful conversations.

Do you find that being hungry creates a strong reaction? Also, that you are sensitive to the effects of caffeine, alcohol or drugs as well as temperatures too?

Do you get put off being observed whilst doing a task? You also don’t like having to do too many things at once.

Have you sometimes been seen as sensitive, shy & conscientious?

Do you sometimes find it difficult to switch off and sleep at night or wake up early with thoughts, worries and ideas?

 

5 Things To Know About YOU..

1) You Inherited being a HSP.

According to Aron,  approximately 20% of us  (equally split between males & females) are genetically highly sensitive. This has been found in both the human and animal kingdom.

You were born with a more finely tuned nervous system & neural differences (validated by lots of scientific study) so you see & feel more subtlety in your environment & are more attuned to other people. You process more deeply & therefore feel stimulus from the world & from your emotions (you may even feel pain more intensely).

Carol, a talented medical practitioner recently told me that it was like her mother and aunt had had their daughters swopped at birth. As a child, she was thoughtful, cautious & embarrassed by her mother’s theatrical public displays, whilst her cousin joined in. At home, she felt like the black sheep of the family. Fortunately for Carol (unlike many sensitive children) she found an ally in her aunt.

And like Carol, here’s the rub…

2) You might feel different.

Elaine N Aron says,

“In our culture…possessing this trait is not considered ideal and that fact probably has had a major impact on you. Well-meaning parents and teachers probably tried to help you ‘overcome’ it, as if it were a defect.”

If you were born into a family or your experience of school made you feel like you were different, the ‘black sheep’ or labelled the ‘overly sensitive’ one that inwardly struggled, thought more deeply & felt more anxiety, this can have a knock on effect on your self esteem. If no one helped you to understand & work with your trait, you can feel flawed.

Aron says we HSPs can suffer from low self worth because of this. But there’s NOTHING wrong with you, in fact…

3) YOU are gifted.

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HSPs are very needed in the world– you often see things that others do not. You may have vision, create profound art, make people laugh, know what’s needed in difficult situations or use your sensitivity to heal others or the world. We are the conscientious citizens that care for the underdog or spend years inventing a new cure.

 

The world needs you but as an HSP it doesn’t always feel easy to get your gifts seen or be ‘out there’ in the world because and you don’t enjoy selling your self and you have a nervous system that’s more easily overwhelmed.

4) You have optimal levels of arousal.

That’s right, I said optimal levels of arousal! I’m talking about your nervous system-too much ‘out there’ and you feel wiped out but too much staying in & you don’t feel stimulated/engaged enough.

No two of us are exactly alike. We have different sensitivities & different needs. It can take a little figuring out.

I’m married to a lovely HSP fellow. He gets a stinking headache if he spends too much time under strip lighting & around a thumping baseline (fortunately there aren’t too many rave nights in office blocks). As an HSP myself, I can cope with quite a lot of the above & even spend time in crowds but put on too much talk radio or TV especially whilst I’m trying to concentrate something else & I might have a mini melt down!

HSPs therefore often find certain things more tricky-like living in cities, working in busy offices, going to parties or doing that dreaded public speaking.

But it doesn’t mean we CAN’T do those things and we can even grow to love some of them. It’s all about balance & knowing yourself.

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5) Know Yourself (& get some strategies)

It’s important to give yourself permission to give that thing a miss (that thing that everyone else seems to thrive on but you hate) like the all night party, feeling like you ‘should’ work full time or internet dating.

Or have strategies to deal with overwhelming situations like leaving early, nipping out for fresh air or taking along a HSP friend. If you’re a city dweller you could take regular nature based trips.

It’s also important to know your limits & learn what works but equally, us HSPs can do what Elaine calls ‘habituate.’

Have you noticed how that background traffic noise seemed so loud when you first moved to your new house but now you don’t notice it so much? Or how you used to feel terrified of driving but now you do it on auto pilot?

It’s so important that where it counts, we find ways & don’t let ourselves get boxed into tiny lives that don’t fulfil us or prevent us from getting our talents out there.

Because we have so much to give to the world! With a little care, consideration & encouragement we are capable of incredible things (some of us might just need a little more time to get there).

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Feel what you feel

A couple of weeks ago, I experienced some of the most intense physical pain I’ve ever had.

I’d just about managed to fall asleep the night before-eventually with a hot water bottle pressed to my face, soothing the aching, throbbing, sharp pain emanating out of my molar. How can a tooth possibly create such a fuss?!

I was lucky to get to see the emergency dentist the next day. There was no hiding my physical pain & she luckily responded with care-in a dentist sort of a way. As she stuck the anaesthetic needle into my swollen gum—the pain of which seemed to roll in wave after wave—she gently, kindly told me to breath & calmly told me I was doing so well, that it would be over soon.

I breathed, I believed her and it helped. There was something so soothing and angelic about her voice. Sometimes those little things especially in moments of vulnerability provide the greatest comfort.

But, as the anaesthetic masking the pain of the giant abscess infecting my jaw & subsequent dental drilling, began to wear off in the car park of a Tesco’s express in Haywards Heath (not my first choice as a location for suffering high level dental pain but there you go), my pain levels hit the roof. Feeling like I almost might pass out—comfort came again in the form of my husband Simon’s warm hand holding mine, letting me cry & just being there with his reassuring, loving energy.

There’s a part of me that sometimes likes to judge what I’m feeling—less these days from all the years of self development but still, sometimes it likes to say, “come on, you’re making too much of a big deal out of this….other people would handle this better…” This voice says very British things that probably got us through the war, like—“ just pull your boot straps up, stiff upper lip and all that.”

Just be strong Thea!

Just be strong Thea!

But I’ve come to the conclusion that you just feel what you feel. And I tend to feel a lot. About a lot.

I didn’t used to when I was younger, it didn’t feel safe or acceptable to—it might cause trouble. But now I know different…

I now know that it doesn’t mean that you’re going to wallow in a pit of self pity, endlessly, mindlessly consuming tubs of Ben & Jerry’s and that you’re not going to look for a solution either—far from it, feeling what you feel IS the most powerful way forward.

Once those vulnerable feelings have been felt, seen, witnessed & hopefully comforted by yourself or another—it’s only THEN that you know what you need or want to do about the situation (whether it’s some pain killers & a hug in my case in a Tesco express car park or something more profound)…and sometimes feeling the feelings are all that you need to feel a little lighter.

It amazed me how I could handle the physical pain better once I’d let out a few tears & expressed how much it hurt to Simon (even before the ibuprofen kicked in) & we were fortunately able to drive home.

Unheard feelings can stand in the way & become rigid, hard & stuck—sometimes they even create illness within the body but once felt they become softer & melt away—opening a door, a space for something new to enter.

I sometimes still want to rise above them, minimise them and ‘keep face’ but they continue to be my greatest allies, teachers & healers—they’ve spurred me on to every brave thing I’ve done & allowed in more love then I imagined possible.

So I say, feel what you feel. Be kind to yourself. Then & only then, think about a solution to the thing that’s causing you pain—if one is needed.

“Don’t be ashamed to weep; ’tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time…”  Brian Jacques, Taggerung

What the hell am I doing with my life??!!!

I’m a natural over thinker.

If you hooked me up & measured the wattage generated by my brain (especially some nights at midnight when I feel like I’m downloading another totally genius idea that no one in the world has ever thought of before)… when I should be going to sleep…..you might be able to use it to power a small city or at least a suburb of one.

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Always questioning. Always wondering.

 

It’s got it’s up sides. I’m good at my job as a coach (dare I be so un-British & toot my own horn on that one) because I love using some of this power outage in getting to the bottom of things with people.

The down side…

Sometimes there’s too much wondering if I’ve made the right decisions, am I going in the right direction & what on Earth should I put in this sandwich?!

Now unless everything is going along in a tickety boo fashion & you’re skipping down the highway of your life & if you’re anything like me (which by the way, I’ve discovered is most of the women I know/people I coach/my friends) then New Year makes you ask this question:

‘What the hell am I doing with my life?’…

…in some way (it might not be quite as dramatic—you’d probably leave out the ‘hell’ part…. I’ve got a flare for the dramatic…as you might have noticed)—but anyway, getting back to my point—it kind of triples in intensity at this time of year….

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Plus, I don’t know whether you believe in Astrology or not—but I have a lovely client who tends to tell me what’s going on on that front—we’ve also had a pesky Mercury Retrograde (from the 5th-25th Jan) which apparently makes things tricky in the areas of communications, technology and plans….generally it makes things un straight forward let’s say (I was going to swear there & say, it f**ks things up—but that was me, being dramatic again).

Of course, there are good sides:

“This period is best used for re-organizing and reflecting. We look at the world a little differently–through different filters–and can come up with some very important inner revelations.” CafeAstrology.com

On the positive side, I take from that that it’s time to go inwards & figure it out so we can emerge and make amazing things happen after the 25th (which has calmed my own New Year over thinking brain down with some big realisations & exciting plans)…

Astrology aside, there are 3 things that I know to be true about us over-thinkers…

1) We are actually amazing at making plans.

2) We DO know what we’re doing really.

3) We have awesome intuition to help us with the above!

What we need….

is very often another person (& choose carefully here—someone who is kind, wise, genuinely wants the best for you & is an all round good egg) to bounce things off AND remind us to stop going round in circles & listen to our intuition too.

 

Of course, we can expertly do that for ourselves—for me, that requires having a paper & pen (plus a good view, preferably a cat or beard to stroke—I don’t have either of these yet but borrow someone else’s where I can.. & A LOT of tea) at the ready…

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Maybe I could knit one?!

Plus some TIME..

which most of us forget to set aside because we are SUPER super busy folk doing ever so important things with no time to figure out the answers to those questions & listen to ourselves.

And sometimes it takes putting that in the diary because otherwise you know it will NEVER HAPPEN & those questions…like, ‘What the hell am I doing with my life and who am I anyway?” will catch you at midnight or on the bus or in the shower or more inconveniently when your boss is talking to you & you accidentally zone out & have no idea what you’re supposed to be doing that day…

Be reassured by this article: Overthinking Worriers Are Probably Creative Geniuses, Research Finds “Cheerful, happy-go-lucky people by definition do not brood about problems and so must be at a disadvantage when problem-solving compared to a more neurotic person…’ LifeHack.org

Maybe those midnight ideas are genius after all!

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To book in a FREE Bold Soul Discovery Session or take advantage of my amazing January Sale Offer (oh yeah!) book in here on my calendar or drop me a line

Mind Blowing Magical Manifestation Story Number 2

You might remember that a little while ago I wrote about my own magical story of manifesting our new home.

Well, a very lovely client & friend of mine recently told me about her equally jaw dropping, delightful story.

I love working with & knowing Isabel*, despite the challenges she’s faced in her life (& there’s been more then a few of those)—she’s always bravely faces difficulty head on & finds her way through to the light at the end of the tunnel—ever optimistic that life will present something wonderful.

Isabel is a divorced mother/grandmother & a retired nurse recovering from a long illness. She has to stretch her fixed income just to get by. This hasn’t stopped her dreaming of being able to re-decorate her lounge (after very many years) just the way she would love it. She has an artistic eye & a love of beauty so she knows it would make a big difference to her every day life.

But she had no spare money to add the beauty & style that she dreams of.

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Some time ago, Isabel had finally managed to get a loan to make many of the changes to her slightly neglected home (due to her health recovery taking priority) but this could only stretch so far. She’d managed to save enough of the loan (& get an incredible deal) to finally get her out dated windows replaced later this January.

But the lounge would sadly have to wait.

However, ever open & optimistic she told me that she wanted some money to come.

Some people believe that the Universe delivers or that manifestation comes from setting your sights on something & that means you suddenly start seeing the opportunity & take the right action. Isabel also believes in God.

She said, ‘I want God to knock on my door & bring me the money.’ So, she asked the Universe & let it go.

Even though I believe in the power of intention & that miracles happen….I was skeptical it would happen quite like this.

Then, in mid December, Isabel was busy cooking her lunch when she heard it— a knock on the front door.

It was God.

Well, actually it was a TV researcher.

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God (aka Richard* from ITV) explained that they were setting a 1980’s TV drama on Isabel’s street & that as she was one of the only residents with the old style of window (the windows she was about to get updated & had felt terrible ashamed of)—her house would be perfect.

And they would pay her too. A nice sum—enough to re-decorate her lounge beautifully.

Isabel was thrilled. She postponed having the replacement windows fitted (until after the filming) & emailed me in delight.

She said, ‘The Universe has been listening to me!!’

It was important to Isabel that I didn’t make this story seem too glamorous, that I told the truth & for her that truth is that, ‘the Universe wants us to grow. That manifesting is just a way of growing in a relationship of love and trust, with this positive Power that wants us to live from our hearts. That there is always the test of releasing negative energy and a lot of surrender and letting go.’

I think it’s about taking inspired action too often out of your comfort zone. For Isabel that was saying ‘Yes’ to having her house filmed—her natural instinct is to shy away from attention.

Magic can happen. Isabel’s wish did literally come knocking at her door.

Amazing!

I keep hearing LOTS of these kinds of magical amazing stories at the moment. And 2016 is predicted to give you the opportunity to open to more love & joy then ever before…

‘There will be many reminders that you are here to live fully – to feel the utmost joy – not to dabble in life, but to live every moment as if there was no tomorrow.’ Tania Gabrielle

What would you love to manifest this 2016? If you do as Isabel suggests & deeply listen to your own heart & your intuition about what type of abundance would help you to grow in your life….what would that be?

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Here are 5 Quick steps:

  1. It’s great to start from a place of gratitude. What do you feel grateful for that experienced or continued to enjoy in 2015? Write down 5 things…

2. What would you love to manifest in 2016?

There are 2 sides to this…
a) What changes (your thinking & emotions) would you love to experience within yourself (e.g more confidence, more open hearted love, more carefree fun). Write down 5…

b) What external practical experiences (e.g holidays, work, hobbies etc) or actual people & important objects (e.g new friends, a soul mate, a new house etc) would you love to welcome in this year? Write down 5 (or more)…

3.  Now build a picture in your mind of what life will look like with all of these feelings, thoughts, experiences & people  in your life.

Close your eyes & imagine. What does it look like? What does it all FEEL like?

4. What do you need let go of & let in?
a) What do you need to release (thoughts, emotions, habits or people) to create this new life? Write these down…

b) What do you need to embrace (e.g more support, seeing how talented you are, ideas & opportunities you’ve ignored)? Remember to listen to your intuition not just your mind when you write these down…

5. Complete your ritual….say a prayer, tell the Universe or simply tell yourself that you will follow this path & put your words in an envelope to look at in a year, under a candle or whatever you like…howl at the moon, dance to your favourite tune or you could even burn them to release them!

This is such an important time to set your intentions, release old patterns & get ready to create your amazing 2016.

I can help with this & anything else you’d love…

There are 2 x 2016 opportunities that I’m very excited about.

I’m offering 5 people Create Your Magical 2016 One Off Sessions (where we can set your intentions & work through any blocks for your year to come or ANYTHING you like!). These 1 hour sessions are only £59 each. Just drop me a line to book (or with any questions).

They’ll go fast, so book now!

Or to really get your 2016 going with a bang. Check out my 4 Session Introductory Burst Out Program at only £199.
I’m here to love & support your dreams. They CAN happen!

  • Names changed.

What people don’t tell you about magic & struggle (my tale).

Do you believe in magic? This is my tale & what people don’t tell you about magic & struggle.

Have you ever experienced a crazy synchronicity or coincidence that seemed too crazy to be true?

I’ve had a few.

Some are particularly memorable, like standing behind a girl I went to school with (& hadn’t seen for 18 years) at a check out in a supermarket in New Zealand. Yes, New Zealand!

That slightly blew my mind at the time.

We recognised each other & chatted for a little while. I was so shocked, I lost the power of speech afterwards & got us lost as I failed to help Simon (my lovely husband) map read the way to our hostel.

A few months ago, Simon & I had another crazy thing happen.

Simon has had a photo of a cottage on the screen saver of his computer for about 2 years. He just pulled it off the internet after typing, ‘cottages in Sussex’ because he’d love to live in one. We’d both gotten so used to seeing it there every day & thought nothing of it.

 

The cottage was similar to this delightful one.

The cottage was similar to this delightful one.

We love to go house and pet sitting. We’ve done this all over the country in the past. Simon suggested we find a nice house sitting job in Sussex in September before the winter came so he could enjoy sitting in a lovely big green garden.

So, I started hunting & I found a great sounding house sitting job on a website we’ve used a lot & applied. It had no photo (but had a lovely dog & cat) and sounded just the ticket. The owners liked the sound of us too & sent over their address.

Before we went, we looked it up on Google Earth.

You know what I’m going to say, right?

It was EXACTLY the same cottage as Simon had had on his computer for 2 years.

What???!!!

Our jaws dropped.

And we took the job, we stayed there for 10 days. It was like walking into the photo. Magic!

It was lovely there, we felt very at home & it inspired Simon even more to want to live in the countryside….but I wasn’t sure, we didn’t know exactly where we’d want to go, we didn’t think we could afford our ideal place….but we wrote down the features of our ideal cottage anyway (encouraged by an amazing money exercise from master business coach Sherold Barr-here I am in her blog talking about it).

It had to have 2 floors, old wooden beams & be close to a train station.

Then the struggle came. It had already been going on for a while but it got worse.

And I think that’s what is often not mentioned in these sort of stories—that something amazing happens, that the person gets there in the end but the hard bit gets brushed over quickly! Which, as the reader, can make you feel like—why can’t I just get there to that amazing business, job, house move, financial,freedom, relationship or spiritual enlightenment so easily??!!

Sometimes crazy amazing lucky magic just happens. Most often, it’s come out of struggle.

Here’s the struggle. Our flat was damp, really damp-it was so bad in the bedroom that we’d started to get sick & lose our clothes, books & furniture (& walls) to mould. Sometimes we’d tread on slugs! YUCK!!!

The landlord finally listened but was slow to act. We ended up sleeping in our living room feeling desperate.

And it was out of this desperation that the magic happened….because quite honestly, I’d had enough. I was at my wits end. I couldn’t focus on anything & had grown an even greater dislike of slugs. I would glare at them angrily when they were just minding their own business slime-ing up someone else’s house.

The move we really wanted didn’t seem possible. But I started searching anyway.

I was tired, ill & honestly, pissed off. But I stayed open to what was possible…although not perfectly so, I had a few rants here and there. (I emphasise this because so often people feel with the idea of law of attraction that they have to be feeling perfectly positive ALL of the time or it won’t work).

But then the magic happened. Unbelievably we got offered a cottage, that was on the estate of a stately home and guess what?

It has 2 floors, old wooden beams & is close to a train station. And despite it not seeming like we could afford it yet-it was the same price as we were already paying.

What??!! Our jaws dropped again.

Sometimes the seemingly impossible is possible. And we are loving our new, totally slug free, dry, warm, cosy & lovely home.

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The Thing For You…..

If there is something you’re struggling with right now.

A) That’s life, it’s normal & you’ve done nothing wrong.

B) It doesn’t mean that magic isn’t possible. Sometimes the truth is that certain things take you getting really pissed off or stretching yourself out of your comfort zone so that you take that action.

Or work out exactly what’s holding you back.

It’s so hard sometimes when you’re standing in the middle of it all & you can’t see the wood for the trees. Some people blame the world & some of us blame ourselves (that’s normally my game—always still working on my inner critic).

C) I sometimes need someone else’s perspective (I certainly had some professional & personal help with the house situation above) & if you do, you know where I am! 🙂

You deserve a big old dose of kindness, compassion & understanding.

There is always a way in the end. A path will always emerge. Sometimes it just takes being a bit of a Bold Soul.

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The Story of Georgia (& her confidence)

Let me tell you about Georgia.Thoughtful-Woman-Looking-Away-300x300

Georgia HAD done brave, exciting-even thrilling things with her life but they seemed so far away now.

She’d studied abroad, met Tom whilst Island hopping in Greece and even had an article about the shoes she’d designed in Vogue.

But it seemed like that was another person now. It felt so long ago. Where had she gone?

Although she had so much to be grateful for she knew that-there was Tom and the baby. Everything was ok.

Her part time job as a legal secretary (she’d taken just to pay the bills-but it didn’t really even do that), dirty nappies (and some lovely cuddles too of course) seemed to fill her days.

Where had her confidence gone? She just wanted to feel good again, build a career she enjoyed and bring in decent money too.

But it felt like there was not enough time and life was passing quickly. She didn’t know where to start and the whole thing was just overwhelming. She didn’t want to burden Tom anymore with her whining (although he told her she wasn’t whining, she felt like it).

Everyday she felt stuck. Or at the very least, like she was wasting her talents. The beautiful bronze Italian leather ankle boots she’d poured her heart into making after University lay gathering dust on the landing.

Something HAD to change…

Who is Georgia?

She’s been me.

She might be you too.

With different details of course. But some of the themes are the same.

We all go through times in our lives when we lose our confidence through no fault of our own. It could be due to illness, having children, a bad break up or a terrible boss. Or just feeling uncertain running your own business or going for that thing you’d love.

I recently offered 5 free Bold Soul Discovery Sessions and then because these filled up so quickly, I did 5 more.

And this is what surprised me.

This was the same theme for almost everyone I spoke to. Confidence. And finding the inner strength, courage and outer resources to do their thing! Needing a plan too.

So, I decided to make a quick Burst Out! 1 month Powerful 121 Coaching Program at 50% off. Because everyone needs some support to get out there again! Imagine what you could accomplish in a month with someone who believes in you and gives you the tools to feel great again.

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What happened to Georgia?

You’ll have to excuse the literary license. I made her up to protect the privacy of all my clients but as a way to tell their stories by the power of metaphor.

I like to think that she sent her beautiful shoes out to a major store who decided to stock them next Spring.

It took some persistence but now she’s working with manufacturers. She’s still in her part time job but now she knows it’s not forever.

Tom and her have booked a family holiday to Greece and she feels more optimistic now—like she got herself back.

This is fiction but something very like the real experience of my clients.

“Thea is more than a life coach_ she is a burst of fresh air and enthusiasm if you are -2

Watch this space for details of my Burst Out! Program or register your interest here.